


Death by a thousand cuts

by Rafaperez



Category: X-Men (Movieverse)
Genre: 13rw, Choira, F/M, Hallucinations, Mind Rape, X-Men: Dark Phoenix (2019)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-24
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2020-10-27 12:10:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20760155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rafaperez/pseuds/Rafaperez
Summary: Days before the Dark Phoenix events, Charles finds out that Moira has moved to Paris, leaving a surprise for him behind.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy, I got inspired in 13rw but lighter. Please leave reviews okay?

_Saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts_

_Flashbacks waking me up_

_I get drunk but it's not enough_

_Cause the morning comes and you're not my baby_

**Taylos Swift-Death by a thousand cuts**

Charles entered his office, returning from another party from men of the government. He felt tired after all the drinks and women hitting on him and all his flattery over the important men there.

He removed his jacket, loosening his tie before reaching for the whiskey over the desk. Deep inside he knew he hated all that but there wasn't other way. He needed these people to keep the mutants safe, but also as a way to make him feel useful, loved.

Charles sighed, thinking about what he had become while holding his glass when then, he frowned, seeing a small box over his desk addressed to him. From Moira Mactaggert.

His fingers froze over her name, his heart beating fast. Almost ten years since Cairo they'd parted way and now he didn't know how he felt, she'd disappeared from his life.

He felt angry, the urge to throw the box away without opening it, he missed her, he felt curious.

"Moira Mactaggert... What do you want..."

And inside the box he found five computer diskettes with numbers on them and the man took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment and pressing the glass of whiskey against his forehead.

He feared he'd get over his feelings for her. He'd tried, going out with other women from the events they frequented but it'd never seemed right not only because he could read in their minds they were interested in his money and fame but because he'd always love Moira so Charles decided to insert the first diskette and waited.

The woman he'd loved for decades but with who the relationship had suffered highs and lows not only because she was human and he a mutant but also because of his mistakes an things had ended badly and she left hurt but with her mind settle while he chose to seek other women.

Even if his heart would always belong to her. Even if he had destroyed hers.

Charles was invaded by the memories of them together, feeling a monster for the way he'd hurt her, seeing her brown eyes full of tears but cold and then her lips in a thin line, a memory that would never leave him. And then he heard her:

"Hi, it's Moira Mactaggert..."

Her words were sounding oddly calm but Charles could feel her sadness and bitterness behind them while his own heart was breaking at what he'd done and that maybe he would never be forgiven by her. He wanted to turn the audio off and throw it all away and pretend he'd never listen to her voice. He was angry at her, at himself. He missed her.

"Don't worry, if you received this, it means that maybe it'll be the last time you're going to hear my voice because right now I'm moving to Paris and I will be nothing more than a memory to you. A memory with a heart in thousand cuts. And with which audio you'll understand why I decided to leave. Because the pain of 20 years of recovered memories hurt me so bad that I felt almost anesthetized. Yes, my heart is broken but I won' let anyone destroy it."

"Charles Xavier... I don't know how to start it, I just thought you needed an explanation because listening to these diskettes means that now I'm far away from you and you must be asking why. I didn't argued with you and then moved to catch your attention or to hurt you, even knowing listening to my voice again might affect you and I'm sorry, I'm sorry but I needed to get away from you, I've been felling in the deep end, remembering about things I didn't even know I had lived."

"I remember the first time we met at the bar... Do you remember? I walked into that bar, looking for the professor of genetics, thinking you'd just be another consultant for CIA, and you flirted with me, talking about my hair having a groovy mutation, MCR-one, and although I blushed with the compliment, becoming more aware of my hair and appearance, I didn't want to make it look as if I was vain, I was a CIA agent, but that night was the first one that would lead us toward each other, but I wouldn't change anything. Even if my heart is in thousand cuts now."

_"Congratulations, professor."_

_"Thank you very much. It's-It's much harder than it looks, actually."_  
_ "No, on your presentation."_

_"Oh, you were at my presentation? How nice of you, thank you very much."_

_"Moira Mactaggert."_

_"Charles Xavier."_

_"Do you have a minute?"_

_"For a pretty little bean with the MCR-one gene, I have five. I say MCR-one, you would say auburn hair. It's a mutation. It's a very groovy mutation..."_

And the audio ended leaving Charles in shock, his lips parted with the news that she'd moved to Paris. She'd left and a emptiness took over the telepath, who stared at the first diskette without knowing what do to now, if keep going and listening to the rest and hear her voice which he'd missed or if he threw it all away and ignored his pain and hers.

The last years had been the first he 'd watched over her from the Cerebro and he asked himself if there was anything he could have done to make her stay.

"Moira, I'm sorry..." He murmured with his eyes shining and them he closed them and covered his mouth to muffle his cry. God, he missed her, needed her at his side and for her to know that he was sorry. He needed to listen to the rest.

"Should I keep going?

"Yes." He could image Moira in that white dress with the black jacket from that night at the bar, her auburn hair he admired so much loosened, sitting over his desk with a sad smile, nodding while staring at the diskette number two that was inside the box.

**tbc**


	2. Chapter 2

_Cause you promise not to fall_

_Before it grew you said you were_

_Promise me to call it off_

_Now I'm feeling things so be sure_

**Human touch-Promise not to fall**

"Hello again, Charles..."

Charles took a deep breath and stared at the imaginary Moira sat in front of him on the desk beside the computer while he listened to the audio, his heart hurt while seeing her sad smile.

"All I can say is that everything affects everything and that night at the bar led us to many things... Meeting my bossed at CIA's head-quarters and I remember how misogynist they were but you were so gently, staying by my side while they tried to take me down. And then to find Erik and the others and then Shaw and... Cuba."

Cuba would keep showing, Charles knew because it had been where everything went wrong and where they'd learned how to deal with loses and making choices and the man felt a tears fall to his lap, knowing what was to come.

"There wasn't only Erik's fault but mine too. Cuba defined us Charles so embark in this audio with me... We learned about war, responsibilities, redemption. As much as you promised me that it hadn't been my fault that you ended in a wheelchair, it was my action that lead us to you getting hurt and then, me in some way. I tried to stop Erik from using the missiles by firing at him but for a trained agent I should have remembered that they were metal bullets, material he could control, and by firing at him, bypassing them, and the bullet hit you in the back. And I'm sorry."

"It's never been your fault, I was in the wrong place at the wrong time..." Charles murmured, stopping the audio and looking to the left where there was a picture frame of them with the x-men taken before Cuba where Moira was between Erik and him and he stared at the woman that was sat in front of him, her eyes shining. "You're just my part of my mind, right?"

"Does it make a difference?" She asked raising an eyebrow but her eyes were soft while she reached out with the palm of her hand turned up and Charles slowly rested his hand over hers, although he couldn't feel her, she wasn't really there but it was what his mind thought he needed, to see her image. "I'm here."

"I know it's hard and it didn't help that I sent you away but you need to let go of all this blame, you couldn't have known it'd happen and if you needed some kind of forgiveness, so I'll give you one, remember the way you stayed by my side in the hospital helping me to recover, my dear." Charles told her sadly staring at her brown eyes, his vision becoming a blur from the tears and he saw her nod with a small smile while their hands stayed together and then he pressed the play again, his heart beating fast.

"And Cuba take us to the next audio Charles. Because you promised me you wouldn't fall, that it hadn't been my fault bu the events that lead us to the next audio make me think it was."

**tbc**


	3. Chapter 3

_But I don't know who you are_

_I am not the same anymore_

_Maybe we've gone too far_

_But I need to find a easy way to give_

**Rhodes-Somebody**

"With my memories back now I now what happened in the blank spaces in my mind. I remember how I promised after Cuba that I'd never tell CIA where you were and when you said 'I know you won't, I know', and approached your face to mine, kissing me I thought it was because you believed me."

"I had no way of knowing if that kiss was a farewell, because you wanted to kiss me before you made me forget about us, or if it was the only way to erase my memories without me noticing and I think now we'll never know it and maybe, because I don't want to, I can't associate that kiss with the second option."

"It was never the second option." He murmured sadly., seeing his hallucination had disappeared and he closed his eyes, remembering that afternoon in the garden of the mansion.

Moira's hair were flying with the breeze while she was caught off guard, feeling Charles' lips over hers and she slowly started to move hers. Charles was being involved by her scent, her taste and the softness of her pink lips and as perfect as that moment was for him, being with the woman he'd fallen in love, he knew he had to make the choice that seemed right and safer for her.

The mutant raised to fingers toward his temple and with his heart beating fast and eyes closed, frowning with the pain of what he was about to do he focused in Moira's mind, his arms ready and he caught her after feeling she'd fainted and he held her tight.

"Are we going to be alright?"

"Will we be alright someday?" Charles repeated the words, opening his eyes frowning in pain and to his surprise, the image of Moira had appeared again and she sat over his knees and she took his hand in hers, staring at him with eyes shining, with a bittersweet smile:

"We're going to be okay."

"You told me 'I should never have taken those from you', and you were right, you shouldn't. For weeks, after having my memories of our time together, from Cuba, erased, I felt lost, sometimes like in a dream, and it was as if I knew something was missing from me, just as I feel now. The decisions made from there on were my choices."

"I felt like my **mind** had been raped. In the months after Cuba I tried... I don't know, move on from something I couldn't even remember and here comes the misogyny men again. I started going out, I needed to get distracted from all the work at CIA where no one would tell me what happened to me and I started dating men from work. And I slept with one, with blue eyes but he wasn't you, the person I couldn't remember about. And things became a snowball because weeks after that, this man told Stryker about what happened between us, vaunting about that and Stryker tried to get luck with me by force. They all thought I was easy, just a woman playing with a gun, just a woman."

"But I can't look back and not imagine how different everything would have been if you had given me a chance to decide, after all, it was my life and I would have chosen to stay by your side, the choice to face the consequences of ending up hurt, being punished by the CIA, hiding, would have been mine, with you aware, because standing next to the person I love would have been the right one."

"Stryker..." Charles felt anguish for not being there for her and the hallucination then left his lap, walking toward the window and she stared to the night outside, her hair falling like a curtain and hiding her face but Charles could see the pain on her face while she hugged herself and a fury took over Charles' body and mind and the man grabbed his glass of whiskey and threw it against the all, seeing it break in pieces while swearing he'd find Stryker. How could he.

Charles then was ready to lave his desk toward the Moira at the window but her words from the audio then made him close his eyes again, making he remember that he too had done something similar, but with her mind. Rape. Charles couldn't move, while the woman at the window stared at the dark gardens outside, lost in thought and Charles ran a hand through his head, ignoring the pain from all the stress, his words still struck in his throat, feeling desperate while the audio kept going.

He could imagine Moira with her hair different in a bar, smiling while receiving another drink before turning around and finding a tall man with dark hair, the tie loose and a sly smile on his face, whispering to her while grabbing her y the arm and Charles took a hand to his temple, feeling he was going crazy.

"Cuba was like a summer love but that went bad and in the end I made the wrong decisions too, leading me to Joe and then Stryker. Stryker, I know you're in jail, not from what you tried to do to me but... What you tried to do was wrong. During that time I had decided to change my hair, I needed a change. I used to work too much because as a woman I needed to win my place. And I was an easy woman right? Wrong Stryker."

"I only got involved with Joe, trying to feel something int he middle of all that blank spaces in my mind so that why I decided to go out with him. And Stryker tried to get luck with me, hurting my arm then before I knocked him down and left. He didn't saw but I left the bar devastate, but I couldn't say a thing and then I as alone, fighting to show that Moira Mactaggert was strong while Stryker was spreading rumors about me being easy, after all I had been with a mutant too."

"What mutant? I didn't have access to the files from my time in Cuba, they were classified. I don't blame you for what happened after Cuba Charles, they were my decisions but things might have gone different if you hadn't erased my memories. I can't not look back and imagine who it could have been different if you had gave me the chance to decide, it was my life and I'd have choose to stay with you and the consequences of being punished by my bosses would have been from my choice. Because I loved you, maybe I still do but you took advantage of my mind, Charles."

"God... I wish I could give you this choice now, my dear so, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for what I did... Abusing your mind." Charles murmured, saying the words with difficulties, realizing what he'd done, as shed said everything affected everything.

The image of Moira turned from the window, still embracing herself and she nodded and Charles left the desk toward her and slowly and careful he reached out for her, holding her left arm gently imaging in that moment that she was real and that he'd been there for her when she'd needed the most and he caressed her skin, remembering about her warmth, he softness, being gentle and she closed her eyes while he said sorry.

"I'm sorry... I'll never hurt you again, never let anyone hurt you even if you're this strong and indestructible woman, love."

"I love you and I forgive you, Charles."

And Charles rested his forehead against hers, still caressing her arm with one hand while the other he buried in her hair, both with eyes closed and, even if that was a hallucination, Charles could feel her breath against his face and then, he raised his face, kissing her forehead;

He didn't want to be like Stryker and now, thinking back about his recent actions, he could see he'd changed. Raven, Hank, all of them had tried to show him that but he'd been too stubborn and arrogant to realize they had been right and now, Moira had left.

**tbc**


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy

_And sometimes it hit me in waves_

_Sometimes I get swept away_

_Sometimes it hits me in waves_

_And I'm drowning_

**Ira Wolf-Waves**

"I worked hard, putting the past in the back of my mind to be able to become a senior agent and then I received the best of the gifts: my son Kevin. Things were great even with the divorce. My bosses could see that I deserved that place and I was doing something for our country and Kevin was the light of my day. And then, years after you came into my life again like a hurricane, Charles, and I was so happy to see you, I loved your researches and having you in my office, so timid and curious, bu gentle make me feel attracted to you."

"And with the odd questions you were asking me, I started thinking if you were feeling the same as me. And you took me to your hidden school, wanting me to make part of the x-men, helping to investigate what had happened in Cairo and it was okay."

"I was so nervous, because I was finally there with you, not an image in the Cerebro or a dream." Charles said, returning to his desk, laughing softly, though he was still sad. "I couldn't control my words while I embarrassed you and Alex..."

He then ran a hand through his bald head, listening to her next words and his heart tightened.

"But it wasn't. Seeing you again even if I didn't know at the time, was going to reopen memories from 20 years ago that had been happy but ended up with a high price and that in one way or another they would take us to now. We fought the Apocalypse and then, when I thought you weren't going to wake up after the mental battle, you opened your eyes and touched my face after I asked you if you knew where you were and you said 'on a beach, in Cuba with you' and my heart beat so fast as my memories of you returned, the first time we met, the champagne, Cuba, the kiss."

"Charles? Charles, do you know where you are?"

"I'm on a beach... In Cuba... With you."

"What beach?"

"I'm sorry... I should never have taken those from you."

"But having those memories back after so long didn't erase what had happened. I'm not talking about what you did, but about the paths our lives followed. You had your school, your work as a teacher, and I, the CIA and a son and we had no way of going back to what we had been and no matter how much I loved you, and you me, we didn't know how to go on."

"We stared at each other with eyes filled with tears, holding each other in your office, where you might be listening to this but we didn't talk about the consequences, but about the past. We argued. We said goodbye. I left. But I never felt we closed this chapter so that's why I decided to record all these. And in the next audio you'll understand why I went to Paris."

"There were consequences and now I can see them, my dear and we're paying for our mistakes, you made your choices, but affected by my actions Moira. So, I'm sorry again."

**tbc**


	5. Chapter 5

_You were just with her_

_And I'll still be a fool, I'm a fool for you_

_Just a little bit of your heart_

_Just a little bit of your heart_

**Ariana Grande-Just a little bit of your heart**

"I don't have much left to say in this last audio, Charles, and I know I impacted you with them... But it wasn't only me who changed with your decisions. You changed too. After the Apocalypse you became bitter, maybe because of me, the world, but you hide your pain behind smiles and now, parties. Hank told me. So I wanted to open up to you but I saw you with a blonde woman, kissing at the school gates and I felt I had lost you forever."

"Because you seemed you love with her so I decided to leave you alone, it wouldn't be fair to you two. And then my boss asked me to join you and the x-men again, but not just because he needed your help, but so I could keep an eye on you, have you under their control. I couldn't do it again. Spy on you, being with you after losing you so, knowing only I could do this job, I decided it was time for change, I..."

"I didn't want to cry in front of you, ruin your relationship but I knew you needed to know about all the effects that started in that bar. Because I still love you. Even being mad at you. And maybe I'll never hear you call me 'my dear' again, but I want you to know that while recording it, I forgive you Charles. Goodbye."

"I love you, Moira. And that woman, Gabrielle, we just went out sometimes, but I feel ashamed because we were using each other." Charles admitted, sad, staring at the last diskette.

They had met at a ball and she'd then started going out with him because of his fame and he, because the woman knew all the important scientists and, for the need to have someone with him. Charles covered his mouth, shaking his head with his eyes red from the tears that now were falling while he thought about what he had become, so different from that gentle, right and honest man from the beginning.

"Would it have make any difference if I had known that and gone to you, to tell you that the woman I've always loved and wanted the forgiveness was you, my dear?"

And her image was over his desk again with a bittersweet smile, her eyes soft and she told him, parting her pink lips while Charles rested his forehead against hers, their lips closer:

"Why didn't you tell me that when I was still here, Charles?"

A week after the Phoenix event, Charles still could feel the pain from losing Raven and Jean. He'd been so selfish and arrogant, as much as he'd done that to keep them all safe, but jean had forgiven him in the end and Charles then decided it was time to retire from the school, knowing Hank was ready to take his place.

And now, after saying goodbye to Erik, Charles was still at a table from a coffee shop in Paris with the box of diskettes there, feeling nervous when then he saw the woman approaching and Charles froze everyone around them, his heart beating fast.

Moira was more beautiful than ever, her auburn hair loose under the white beret and her eyes filled with tears with a beautiful smile on her face and Charles felt his heart fill with the love he felt for her.

"Moira, my dear."

"Charles." Hearing his words, Moira started walking quicker, her heart beating fast since she'd receives his call some hours ago and she found the box over the table and then she stared at the handsome man, feeling nervous, longing and, feeling her love for him and the woman closed the distance between them, hugging him, full of emotions. "You're here."

"I came for you. I listened to your audios." He told her softly, his fingers running through her hair, caressing them while they held each other, feeling whole with her in his arms, her hands holding to his sweater, deepening the hug while the people around them started moving again.

"Charles, I don't want you to think that it was your fault that I left CIA." She told him, now serious while sitting on the chair in front of him, frowning. "I record them because you needed to know how I felt."

"I know and now I can understand the impact of my actions, what you felt having your mind... God, invaded. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry my dear." He covered his mouth, seeing Moira shook her head, her brown eyes shining and then, slowly he raised his hand toward her and gently caressing her face and then, the corner of her mouth, a regretful look on his face, seeing her sigh with his touch after so long.

"You suffered for so long after Cuba and I wasn't there for you, I'm so sorry... I'm sorry for the way I hurt you and affected the life of the woman I love."

Moira's lips parted in surprise at his words, memories from the last time they say each other invading her mind.

"You... still love me?"

Charles gave her a beautiful smile, holding her hands between hers, his blue eyes serious while she felt hope.

"There was never another woman. Gabrielle... We were using each other and I'm not proud of that. But I never stopped loving you, even when I thought I had lost you because of my actions."

"Neither I." And Moira squeezed his hands with a beautiful smile. "But I've already forgave you. I told you. And as I said, everything affects everything but some choices had been mine, like Joe... And then Stryker's decision."

"And I'll make him pay for trying to hurt you." Charles promised, his eyes burning for a moment, thinking about him. He'd pay.

"I know... And I'm happy for you deciding to change and, coming here."

"You have my heart, Moira Mactaggert." He told her softly, guiding one of her hands toward his chest, making her blush for a moment before he slowly brought her to his arms, feeling her heart as faster as his and her warmth over him making him tremble and the woman left a emotional giggle escape, feeling safe in his arms and she buried her face on his neck, murmuring:

"It's all I ask for, your heart."

"You helped me to become a better man again, Moira and I thank you for that." He told her feeling the happiest man in the world with her there in his arms, pressing a hand against his heart.

"You always were. Just got lost a little and that's okay, Charles." Moira told him with her eyes shinning from happiness, raising her face with a smile and Charles stared at her, asking for permission and seeing her nod, her face flushed, Charles closed the distance between them, heart melting and he kissed her.

Moira's hand fell over his leg, finding his own and joining their fingers while she kissed him back, feeling happy and loved and that finally they would be happy.

The kiss was making them see stars while Charles' tongue met Moira's and she parted more her lips for him, a happy tears slipping and she smiled in the kiss and Charles felt her happiness, making his increase while he caressed her scalp, pressing her lips and feeling her sigh, both with their hearts whole again and that belonged to the other.


End file.
